That Time of Month
by A-Slasher
Summary: I got bored this afternoon....no homework. Plus I've been wanting to write my first Voyager fan fic. Except, it came out as this. Try not to tell me it sucks TOO badly. lol
1. Default Chapter

That time of month

**That Time of Month  
**I got bored this afternoon....no homework. Plus I've been wanting to write my first _Voyager_ fan fic. Except, it came out as this. Try not to tell me it sucks TOO badly. lol

Captain Kathryn Janeway, in an effort to boost crew morale, instructed Tom Paris to land _Voyager_ on the next M-Class planet. After giving the instruction, she retreated to her quarters to clean up a little bit because she had been on the Bridge all day and was looking quite horrible. Upon landing, the natives begin shooting the starship with primitive weapons known as guns with bullets. The Captain was at this time brushing her teeth.

She heard a quiet panging outside her viewport and tapped her combadge.

"Jay-fweigh do bidge, rephort!"

Commander Chakotay replied: "Um..... could you please repeat that."

Janeway spit, with the com link still open, and slowly repeated what she said: "Jane-way to Brid-juh. Re-PORT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This time Tuvok answered: "Captain, it appears that the inhabitants of this planet are not welcoming us as we would have hoped. They appear to be firing on us with ancient weapons known as 'guns'"

Janeway: "Oh my God! They have weapons! Shields to full. I'm on my way."

Tuvok: "I fail to see the logic in that. Putting the shields to full would be illogical, Captain, Putting the shields up at all would even be illogical. This ship is able to withstand an illogical amount of illogical --"

Janeway: "Did you not just hear me? I said 'Shields to full.' Is the whole galaxy against me? Do I have to remind you that it is that time of month? I don't need this! DAMN YOU AND YOUR LOGIC!!!"

Paris: Maybe you should go see the Doc.

Janeway: (kinda mimicky) "Oh yeah, why hadn't I thought of that? It's no wonder I had to --" (Janeway was walking down a corridor now)

Tuvok: "Captain, they are still firing. As I said before, Shields at maximum would be useless. If you absolutely must have shields on, 1% would be more than enough to hold them off."

Janeway: "I'm stepping onto the turbolift now, when I get to the Bridge, I better see those shields at 100% Do I make myself clear?"

Seconds later Janeway appeared on the Bridge and went directly to Tactical where she found that the shields were at just 1%

Janeway: "Lieutenent Commander Tuvok, I hereby strip you of your duties aboard this starship. Report to the brig immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars."

Tuvok: "*Bleep* you!"

Janeway: "Red alert. I'm taking over at --"

Seven of Nine: "Captain, I really think you were too....harsh to --"

Janeway: "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! You go to the brig too! Hell," She taps her combadge "All hands, this is the Captain. Due to the galaxy being against me, you are all to report to the brig. That is all."

Once everyone vacated the bridge except for her, she called for Red Alert and instructed the computer to take the ship 3 kilometers into the atmosphere . Then she told the computer to ready a full spread of photon torpedoes and sent a message to all the people firing at her ship. "This will teach you to mess with me during THIS time of month!" and fired the torpedoes.

A week later, the Captain again called all hands --or was it just the brig now? -- and told them that they may all go back to work, as long as no one pisses her off again. Because if they did, she would lock them all out of their quarters and block site-to-site transport for all their stuff so they didn't have anything anymore.

The End.

Yeah, I know, it's stupid....but I was brushing my teeth getting ready for school today and was thinking about having Janeway go crazy with the shields when people fired on her ship with primitave weapons. I was going to have where if the shields were at maximum, they'd rebound back and kill all the people, but I like what I just did here better.


	2. 

Seeing as how I got some great responses (

Seeing as how I got some great responses (ok, 6 good ones....thanx to those people btw), I decided to add another chapter. This is mostly just Janeway and Chakotay talking about her "behavior" at the beginning. Oh, and for the person who asked me what grade I was in, I'm in 9th.

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Kathryn was sitting at her desk in her ready room when the door chime rang.

**Janeway**: "Come in."

In stepped Chakotay who walked right up to Kathryn and immediately began talking.

**Chakotay**: "Kathryn, I don't think it was very nice of you to send everyone to the brig and fire all those photon torpedoes at the people on that planet."

**J**: "I'll do what I want. I'm the Captain, remember? And this is a _Starfleet_ crew, Chakotay, and in a Starfleet crew, _NO ONE_ pisses off the Captain."

**C**: "But Kathryn, --"

**J**: "End of discussion, now come here and give me some lovin'"

**C**: "But what about all the other times in the past when I tried and you said no?"

**J**: "Well, you just got out of jail, so I have to give you what you've been missing for the past 7 years.....and one week."

**C**: "Oh, well, I nabbed three ensigns in the brig and about 100 other crew mates over the past 7 years."

**J**: "WHAT!!??"

**C**: "Well, you were never gonna put out so I had to do something!"

**J**: "Do you want me to give a big speech? Is that what you want? I _HATE_ doing those. No one ever listens during them anyways. If I'd have known 7 years ago that _this _is how we'd all end up, I'd have used that stupid thingymabobber and gotten us home so we'd never have to see each other again. But we wouldn't have this, Chakotay, one crew, Starfleet and Maquis, combined into --"

**C**: "Oh, will you just shut up with that already?? Everyone knows the story. I swear, if we only had a limited amount of oxygen on this ship, you'd have killed us years ago with your speeches!" He started to leave.

**J**: "Hey! I didn't dismiss you yet! Come back here!" She was beginning to whine.

**C**: "Fine." He walked back to in front of her desk.

**J**: "You said before, '100 other _crew mates_'....what's that supposed to mean?"

**C**: "Umm....can't tell." He said.

**J**: "AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dismissed! Go! Get Away!"

Upon hearing this, he left quickly, grinning until the doors slid shut behind him and he just started laughing out loud.

**Tuvok**: "I logically deduce that your logical encounter with the logically chosen Captain was humorous. "

**Tom Paris**: "Yeah, what'd you do in there?"

**C**: "First off, Tuvok, stop with all that logic crap. We get the point, Vulcans are 'logical.' We don't care anymore. Tom, get this, I made her think that I had sex with over 100 of the crew over the past 7 years. Ha ha ha ha ha."

**P**: "Umm.....Sir? You are aware that more than half of the crew are guys, right?"

**C**: "Oh, I know that, It really freaked her out. None of it happened. She's so stupid at times."

**Janeway**, over comm badge: "Oh, so I'm stupid now?" She stormed out of her ready room.

**C**: "How did you --"

**J**: "It's called technology, Chakotay, try to keep up. I kept the link open. Report back to the brig for the remainder of the trip. And this time, there will be no one there....have fun."

**C**: "Why are you sending me to the brig?"

**J**: "Insubordination."

**C**: "And if I refuse to go?"

**J**: "Mr. Kim, get a transporter lock on Commander Chakotay and get ready to beam him onto the next passing ship or next K-Class planet."

**Kim**: "K-Class?"

**J**: "Yeah, you really should know this stuff by now. How the hell did you get out of the Academy? A K-Class planet is....umm.....hang on, I'll be right back." Janeway ran to her ready room.

Hours later, Tuvok walked in to see what was taking the Captain so long. What he found was shocking to him, and brought about....the _raised eyebrow_. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**T**: "Captain, we believed that you were researching a K-Class planet for the past 3 hours. And I come in and find you doing this? That is very illogical."

**J**: "Tuvok, I said it last week, and I'll say it again: 'Damn you and your logic" and besides, there's nothing wrong with playing a few...games."

**T**: "Captain, according to Starfleet protocol," (or some junk, i don't really know) "playing games like this while on duty could result in a court marshall."

**J**: "There is nothing wrong with --"

Suddenly there was a sudden jolt of the ship.

**J**: "Janeway to Bridge, Report."

**P**: "What, no toothpaste this time, Captain?"

**K**: "We're being fired on by the ship that I beamed Commander Chakotay over to. They're hailing us."

**J**: "Put them on hold, I'll be right out." Janeway finished her game, and went onto the bridge. "Okay, take them off hold, Mr. Kim. This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship _Voyager_. How may we be of service?" She whispered to Harry, "Can't we make a recording of that? I'm getting very sick of saying it every week. Oh oh! I got it! We can make a hologram of me to be Captain when I'm not here. That'd be cool...take out the Doctor's subroutines. He doesn't use them. Let's do lunch and talk about it, 'k?"

**Alien**: "Take your commander off our ship."

**Janeway**: "No"

**Alien**: "Yes"

**Janeway**: "No"

**Alien**: "Yes"

**Janeway**: "No"

**Alien**: "Yes. If you don't we'll beam him back over ourselves."

**Janeway**: "Then we'll beam him back."

**Alien**: "And we'll beam him back."

**Janeway**: "Then we'll beam him back and blow you up."

**Alien**: "Okay, fine, we'll keep him. But you owe us one. Lieutenant, get out the ropes, we have a new hood ornament."

**J**: "Take us out of here, Mr. Paris."

Later, Janeway called Tuvok to //....umm.....lets make use of Astrometrics (cuz the bridge and ready room were getting boring)// where she was playing her.....game....again.

**T**: "Captain."

**J**: "Like I said, Tuvok, there's nothing wrong with playing Minesweeper. and look at this screen.... It's HUGE!"

**T**: "Captain," Tuvok said as he was looking at a console, "you've rerouted weapons to here, you're not playing a game, you're firing on planets."

**J**: "Oops?"  
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Yeah, I know.....this one was stupider than the first one and not nearly as funny. If I get some good reviews on this one, I might make one with the Janeway hologram. lol... I'm gonna have _FUN_ with that one. hehehe  
Oh, BTW, for those of you who are going to scream at me for killing Chakotay. Don't worry about it......it'll be better.


	3. Chapter 3

Seeing as how I got some great responses (

Oh, since everyone else is putting disclaimers on all their fan fics, I probably should too.   
**I don't own the characters, or anything related to the show....I just have fun with them...is that so wrong??? lol**  
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~~Mess Hall~~

**Kim**: "Captain, creating another hologram on board would _really_ be a drain on the ships resources. Are you sure you want one?"

**Janeway**: "Damn it, Harry, you sould like a 20th century computer malfunction. 'Are you sure? Are you sure?' Let me give you a crash course on Starfleet hierarchy: Captain says do something, DO IT!"

**Kim**: "Fine, lets go to the Holodeck"

~~Outside Holodeck 2~~ (why do they call it a holodeck? it doesn't take up a whole deck of the ship, so why?)

**Janeway**: "There's a program running. Computer open Holodeck doors."

**Computer**: "What you're too lazy to do it yourself? Besides, it requires a Level 9 access code."

**Janeway**: muttering to herself. "Cadet - one...two...five...nine...Captain - ten." normal voice "Yay! Computer, override Janeway theta - uh...zeta - um... 5 - er...2"

**Computer**: "This must be your lucky day, Captain, that actually worked. You were one number away from blowing up the ship, you stupid, stupid Captain."

**Janeway**: "Smart-ass computer." taps her badge "Janeway to Torres and Paris. Meet me in my ready room at 1959 hours."

~~Inside the Holodeck~~

**Kim**: Commander? I thought I beamed you off the ship.

**Chakotay**: You did.

**Janeway**: Then how the hell did you get back?

**Chakotay**: Oh who knows, all the crap we've been through in the past 7 years, one of them's bound to be a good explanation. Borg, Spacial Scission, Altered timeline, take your pick. Actually, ask Seven. She's the ex-borg. She knows everything.

**Janeway**: Whatever. Computer, End program.

**Computer**: No.

**Janeway**: Yes.

**Computer**: Fine.

Within moments, the holodeck walls shimmered back into view.

**Janeway**: OK, Harry, make the hologram.

**Kim**: It's a little more complicated than that, Captain. First we need to make a holo-image of you, then find some command subroutines, and make you look halfway decent.

**Janeway**: Fine, I'll do it. Computer, make a command hologram of me.

**Computer**: Captain, creating another hologram on board would _really_ be a drain on the ships resources. Are you sure you want one?"

**Janeway**: That's exactly what Harry said earlier. Yes, I do.

**Computer**: 'Kay.

In seconds flat, Janeway was staring face to face with...herself only to realize that the computer had not actually created a hologram of her. It created--

**Janeway**: Computer? Why did you create a mirror?

_Freeze. Janeway, you can't even let me finish what I'm saying before you go on? You're lucky I'm keeping you in this story. I'm sure Chakotay would love to take over _Voyager_._

_**Janeway**__: Sorry, just don't give that ship over to that lying, two timing son-of-a-bitch._

_Unfreeze_

**Computer**: To tell you the truth, Captain, It's easier. I mean everyday, 'Computer, do this. Computer, do that.' Can't you people ever do anything for yourselves?

**Janeway**: "Please, Computer? I want my hologram."

**Computer**: "You sure whine a lot. Here ya go." A REAL Janeway hologram took the place of the mirror. "Have fun getting it to the Bridge."

**Janeway**: One more thing, Computer, transfer the EMH here."

About a minute later, they heard a reply from the computer.

**Computer**: The Doctor is in surgery right now. Please have a seat and he will be with you momentarily." With that, the holodeck turned into a hospital waiting room.

**Janeway**: This is ridiculous.

**Chakotay**: Captain?

**Janeway**: WHAT!?

**Chakotay**: Nothing, I just haven't said anything in a while.

**Janeway**: And what a good while it was. I need coffee. Not some sissy 'Earl Grey' like _some_ Captains I know of.

**Computer**: Too bad, you can't have it. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Janeway**: NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The next part will come in soon....it's almost 11:00 and MadTV's about to come on. That show's funny.


End file.
